prayer of st. francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

reminder note

the last four months have accounted for the most difficult season of my life since my accident. i have felt socially isolated, romantically destroyed, mentally and physically exhausted, spiritually starved, vocationally frustrated, and homesick homesick homesick. i keep thinking it will only get better, and then it only gets worse.

this weekend, my grandmother - the cornerstone of my family - finally passed away into the peace of the shadow. with only two weeks between her death and my impending visit to her bedside, i feel robbed of one of the most important goodbyes of my life. death is always bittersweet when the person who departs is loved but has suffered for many years. i am glad she is finally at rest, but i am scared to imagine a life where i will never hold her hand, kiss her after sunday dinner, hear her say I love you, buh bye, buh bye after a phone call, or watch her shuffle about the table as she refills the cottage cheese and olive bowls. my grandmother is one of the most inspiring examples of gentle love that i know. how our family will carry on without her is a mystery i'm not ready to watch unfold, and yet death does not allow us an option. so we shall continue to make swedish pancakes, and in this and many other rituals we will meet her for the rest of our days apart.

i am thankful for the people who help me laugh and find light each day, but it feels very thin right now. still, i want to be hopeful. i want to meet the light. so i am going to seek thankfulness in this difficult moment, just as a reminder note.

dear god, thank you for...
-friends who recognize my pain when others do not.
-my elegant grandma who captured every moment of our lives on her camera because every moment is precious.
-my grandpa who turned his bedroom into a production studio so that i could skype with my grandma while she lay in bed.
-my sister who lets my cat have skype dates with her cat.
-my mom who still sends me the dumbest e-mail chains ever.
-my dad who lets me cry on the phone even when his world is falling apart.
-cousins who have held me up through small and silly messages of love.
-a kitten who demands to sleep on my face.
-volunteers who think i'm a knitting genius.
-roommates who keep a stash of chocolate in their room just for me and my many emergencies.
-brisk, cloudy days in april that feel like brisk, cloudy days in october.
-a peruvian mother who lets me bawl into her shoulder and then gives me a cup of hot water to soothe my nerves.
-a peruvian father who never stops teasing me.
-a peruvian brother who watches all my favorite action movies dubbed in spanish with me.
-a church in chicago that rejects violence, embraces justice, and prays for me.
-a mentor in grand rapids that always gives me peace, even in the comment section of a blog.
-a friend in florida that demands my time so that she can let me pour out my heart for an hour.
-a job that reminds me to be humble and take small steps.
-a god that quietly and patiently walks beside me while i try to do everything all by myself.


i am also thankful for...
-rocoto relleno
-stray dogs
-p90x
-power walks
-utah
-skype
-facebook
-my banjo
-peanut butter
-puffy vests
-super glue
-sleeping bags
-fried eggs
-zucchini brownies
-good books
-jackson browne
-fresh juice
-quinoa
-airplanes
-garden fruits
-humming birds
-pollo



i think it's going to be okay.