i really REALLY hate to admit it everything about my mid-twenties has been shaped around that experience. it's been about how i survived. overcame. rebuilt. found answers. found peace. moved on. and moved up. so often in my first six months of recovering, i remember telling friends how frustrated i was because i felt like i had hit the restart button on my life, and i was being forced to slowly build toward my dreamy dreams of Living Abroad and Changing the World and Making a Difference and also Being Really Adventurous in a Way that Impresses Everyone with My Humility. And for whatever reason, despite my angsty recovery "why meee" bemoaning, my God still cleared a way for me to pursue those dreamy dreams in peru.
so you can imagine how it feels now - the day that we've offered my job to someone else, the day we're dissolving the volunteer house where i live, the day that i couldn't help lift anything, the day where i remembered for the millionth time that i'm supposedly living my dream and it disappears any day now - to rewatch that movie for the first time since my Accident and Recovery and Adventure, only to feel so jealous of this stupid movie character, so fearful for my own lack of control in my destiny, so hurt at how "unfair" it all is, and frankly, how disappointed i am in myself that i am now applying for admin assistant jobs in the chicago suburbs. i'd like to say it has nothing to do with feeling like i'm "better" than that work, but i'm pretty full of myself. i'd like to say that i'd take anything because look at the market and a job's a job and i'm in no place to be picky. but i watch this movie again, and i cry because i just want to take my time meandering through the pacific crest trail. i want to kayak through rapids without a helmet and eat hot dogs with norwegian nutjobs. but more than anything, i just want to be able to wander forever along an endless road of sunsets...
of course, a month a go, i was calculating any way i could imagine in order to escape my stressful and unstable life in peru as soon as possible. i had all sorts of mature, grown up things to say about my desire to Spread Roots, Settle Down, and Commit to Stuff. but the grass is always greener. now that i am looking at rapid commitment to the first option that comes my way, i'm having my usual panic attack. why on earth would i ever want to leave peru? ha.
anyway, i hate into the wild. it just makes me feel inadequate and trite and stupid. and now i just feel really sad that i'm hitting the reset button again. and i have no control over anything...i don't even have control enough to say, hey! i'm gonna go wander around for a while...i mean, i guess i technically have control over that decision, but i'd be a jackass if i didn't take care of my health right now.
i don't really know what i'm trying to say. in conclusion, don't watch inspiring movies about seeking truth in nature if you're trying to get your shit together.
love,
kaitlyn
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