Baitlyn Plays Humpty Dumpty

Kaitlyn took a monster fall last Wednesday, while doing some rappelling at Pine Creek canyon in Zion NP. She's in the hospital in Las Vegas, but making amazing progress. Please go to www.caringbridge.org/visit/kaitlynbohlin and leave her a message, story (real or fake), gossip, etc. to keep her entertained while she is trapped in the ICU. Thanks!!

btw

just thought you like might to know that this where i live. see that silver dot below the arrow? that's my car. unfortunately, my house is covered by trees, but you get the idea. also, aren't my photoshop skills marvelous?

observations - enjoyable and annoying

nothing terribly exciting to report here, but i thought it might be nice to mention some brief details of my daily life - things that i find most enjoyable and things that i want to ram my face into a cactus over. i hope this gives you a nice look at some of the smaller parts of my time here at zion.

-my family has coined a term: "poor squirrel decision" or PSD for short. but here at zion, the real idiots on the road are lizards. they will jump at anything, and they will make sure to step under your foot or bike or car just in time to give you a heart attack. i'm fairly confident i've only actually stepped on one (and it survived with no apparent damage), but seriously. they must be the dumbest creatures on earth. also, whenever they're bathing in the sun, they do push ups. because they're jocks.

-there is one retired volunteer here who brings in krispy kreme doughnuts every time he works. every time. so even though i don't know his name, i do know that he brings joy to my life every day that i see him.

-men of all ages seem to think that they should flirt with solitary female rangers at the backcountry desk. do i invite this? no. do any of the male rangers deal with this? no. because? boys are stupid. UNLESS! you are young, foreign, and beautiful. then the flirting is clearly welcome.

-beetles here smush their heads into the ground when they feel threatened. that is to say, if i hover my foot over a beetle, rather than moving out of the fire range, they do gymnastics on the cement sidewalk.

-hummingbirds will attack larger birds (like robins) if they feel that their nests are threatened.

-my commute takes me past golden canyon walls every morning. it makes the 5:45 wake up call worth it....sometimes.

-the ice machine where i load up before every hike has the most perfect, tasty, crunchy ice in the world.

-the first person at 7:00 am in line for a permit always AlWaYs ALWAYS wants to cancel four reservations, transfer 2, make three new permits and add six zebras to the one they have for today. and could i upgrade their entrance pass to an annual pass? thaaanks.

-the flow level of the virgin river right now is 39 cubic feet per second. we open it for recreation at 120 cfs. when it flash flooded last week, it spiked at over 700 cfs.

-volunteers do not get to wear the ranger flat hats. this makes them conflictingly sad and relieved.

-one of my coworkers races the visitors up canyon walls. it took the visitors about 20 minutes to "run" up a 600 foot STEEP canyon wall. it took crazy tim less than six minutes.

-people do not want to take responsibility for their own safety. you can tell them 40% chance of rain. high flash flood potential. no high ground. horror story after horror story. but in the end their anguished faces still look to you for a go or no go. and you can't give it to them. and you wish you could because you sure waste a lot of knitting time on helping them not make a decision.

-aspen trees always grow in little groves because they all share a root system. so when you see one, you always get to see a happy family. and of course, the sunshine is always playing in their leaves.

-sage brush after it rains, is one of the most incredible odors i've ever been fortunate enough to smell.

-totino's personal pizzas are always perfect.

-45 minute lunches are pretty nice.

la verkin creek...and the monsters from its chocolatey depths!

oh man! i just had a great backcountry adventure! let me tell you! ok!

so. i was supposed to hike the narrows overnight - one of the most popular backcountry hikes in the park that involves trudging through about 16 miles of the virgin river - but due to inclimate weather, the trip was called off. this put myself and my coworker seth in a bit of a dilemma; we had to come up with something to do for the next two days. seth wanted to monitor for soil erosion. hmm. myself? i had packed my bags for an overnight, and that's just what i did. i've had my heart set on site #10 up at la verkin creek in the northern part of the park, but haven't been able to afford to go there because i don't get paid and gas is hilarious. but wouldn't you know it! when you go camping on work hours, they pay for your gas! so. i put my pedal to the metal, my boots to the beaten path, and my heart to happiness. la verkin creek!

but of course, just because i'm on a safer trip doesn't mean that the weather is any sunnier. so i found myself rushing towards a pile of puffy white clouds peaking over the canyon wall - white fluffy puffies that experience has taught me only lead to dark grumpy puffies. so sure enough, just as i reached my campsite and put up my waaay sketchy tent, the thunder grumbled and the winds picked up. well, a little raaaain never hurt anyone!

so i sauntered up to la verkin creek, innocent little trickling waterway that it was (emphasis on was) to take some "before" pictures. "before" pictures, you ask? well, after enjoying the breeze for a bit, some friendly hail decided to thwap me on the back, and, not wanting to get wet, i ran to my tent just in the nick of time. there is something so thrilling about listening to a storm pound on your little one-woman tent as you twirl your thumbs within, praying not for safety, but for maintained dryness. finally, i hear what i've been waiting for - the crack and rumble not of thunder but of furious water. flash flood. FLaSh FlOoD!!!!!!!! and just as soon as the rain lets up, i grab my chacos, jacket, and camera, and emerge into a much changed universe. everything smells deliciously like earth. everything has the dramatic darkness of saturation. and that tiny little creek? a chocolatey rumbly tumbly river of DoOm!

before!

after!

flash flood! yum yum yum! i can't even begin to express how humbling such a sight is to behold. it makes you wonder at anyone willing to take a chance on going through the narrows or any slot canyon when the weather forecast is at 30% chance of rain (like it was on this particular day). don't mess with monsoon season!

so it was a great great great hike. the rain let up long enough for me to journal, cook spaghetti o's, read some psalms, and just stare at everything. it was the best. and check out my hat! my really sweet totally awesome coolest roommate ever (minus all the other lovely roommates that might be reading this...) bought it for me with his uniform allowance. and i heart my hat.

so i slept in and had dry apple jacks and grapes for breakfast, de-tented, laced up again, and hit the cloudy road. but look at the friendly visitors i met along the way!
this is mr. yucca. he's is the coolest plant i've ever seen in my life. it looks like a llama or a snufflufogus (spelling?) or maybe just some really awesome spikey cool dude. coolest ever.

and this little butterfly was such a tease. i would get all positioned to take a picture just so that she would flutter away (laughing i'm sure). but here she is.

so that was my all-expenses paid trip to la verkin creek. and after i finished, there were a bunch of rangers waiting for me so that they could close the road off because there was a rockfall. and everyone was so happy to see me. and i was a rock star. the usual.

and then i went to the library and checked my e-mail and i had received four great emails: one from colleen, dad, joyce, and thommy. love so much love.

and tomorrow i get to sleep in. hoorah for the late shift!

love,
kaitlyn

learning. waiting.

perhaps because i'm one of the most self-aware people in the world (this is not boasting, this is just a reality i've come to know...because i'm so self-aware), i tend to think of my life in periods of specific lessons learned. the nine months leading up to my time in utah has been logged away in my memory book as the period of "running around like a chicken with its head cut off." sure, i was settled safely at my parents' home, knitting, playing the banjo, and working part time. but scrambling to produce an itinerary for the future while scampering off to grand rapids twice a month to find communities changing and worldviews growing fainter sent me into something of a panic by the end of april. so it is that this summer has been a time of specifically responding to the changes of the last year. my time and thoughts have largely been focused on reacquainting myself with myself. partly because i've struggled to make a lot of friends here and partly because i've resisted making a lot of friends here, i've really gotten to think through what it is that makes me happy, sane, satisfied, strong, and excited. this summer has involved a lot of hiking by myself - aka thinking and walking for eight hours a day - which has allowed me to turn over my thoughts on relationships from the past year and really get to the heart of my anxieties and desires as they pertain to community. here is some of what i've learned.

the first thing i learned, or really admitted to myself, is that i have serious control issues. i value control over almost everything - even happiness it seems. control means writing a letter and having the recipient immediately respond. it means going to parties and not having any awkward silence or stupid conversations about where i'm from and what division i work in. it means always ending things before someone else has the chance to. it means making all the decisions so that the element of surprise and vulnerability are removed from life. clearly this is a somewhat paranoid way of living life, but there it is: control is controlling my life.

so how can i respond to this need for control? how can i breathe easier, accept the unpredictable, and allow others to have a hand on my life? when the summer began, i very much wished for it to be a time of intentionality, but i was not entirely sure what i wanted to intentionally pursue. i wanted to know God more truly, know myself with greater peace, and respect a slower pace of life. i wanted to be intentionally slow so that i could be intentionally aware of my environment. so that i could hear God's good news for me more audibly and confidently. but soon i discovered that my desire to be intentional was actually a desire to discover a lesson, learn it, place it in my pocket and move on. since i have been in utah, my thoughts have been surprisingly un-peaceful and unclear. i have struggled to set aside anxieties and doubts from the past - in fact they have largely grabbed a hold of my heart, making it difficult to have a day without mulling over past regrets. i know this must all sound quite cryptic and ambiguous, but suffice to say, my summer has not produced the "lesson learned" that i so carelessly assumed would float my way. here is what i have received instead (and i must say, this is a thousand times better and more dynamic). my meditation this summer comes from henri nouwen, one of the most gentle theologians of the 21st century, who says this,

Waiting is open-ended. Open-ended waiting is hard for us because we tend to wait for something very concrete, for something that we wish to have. Much of our waiting is filled with wishes: “I wish that the weather would be better. I wish that I had a job. I wish that the pain would go.” We are full of wishes, and our waiting easily gets entangled in those wishes. For this reason, a lot of waiting is not open-ended. Instead our waiting is a way of controlling the future. We want the future to go in a very specific direction, and if this does not happen, we are disappointed and can even slip into despair. That is why we have such a hard time waiting; we want to do the things that will make the desired events take place. Here we can see how wishes tend to be connected with fears...To wait open-endedly is an enormously radical attitude toward life. It is trusting that something will happen to us that is far beyond our own imaginings. It is giving up control over the future and letting God define our life. It is living with the conviction that God molds us according to God's love and not according to our fear. The spiritual life is a life in which we wait, actively present to the moment, expecting that new things will happen to us, new things that are far beyond our own imagination or prediction. That, indeed, is a very radical stance toward life in a world preoccupied with control.

it is with this in mind that i have attempted to shift my anxieties and fears. i am so concerned with control, and i can see more clearly each day how this has stifled my pursuit of God, shalom, love, and truth. up until now, my decisions have all been made, more or less, in an effort to tie things down, wrap things up, and sigh a breath of relief. as long as i have had plans, made my own decisions, and kept things moving, i have always assumed i've done all i can to remove anxiety in my life. but being out here in utah, the stay-in-control mentality hasn't been working. like i said, my emotions have been way off kilter, and no amount of rationalizing or evasion has helped. instead, i have found that waiting open-endedly has been my one refuge. in waiting, i find trust, i find hope, i find God. waiting - and not trying to control it all - has disciplined me to turn to my God for strength and wisdom instead of turning to panic, self-loathing, and fear. i am still afraid of the future. and i still struggle through the pangs of regret, doubt, confusion, and anxiety that seems to be my greatest enemies in this life, but wow. the power of waiting is something i don't think i've ever encountered before. i love nouwen's words that God has "new things that are far beyond our own imagination" in store for us. i love the adventuresome, magical, and mysterious nature of that perspective. i love the faith that it requires. and i love that even though it seems passive, it truly requires active devotion, listening, and attention.

so i am waiting. waiting for life and living life all at once. and it is weird, and frustrating, and i am ever-restless. but happy, satisfied, and confident that i'm doing exactly what i should be doing right now.

bad knees bears and photo phrenzy

before coming out here, my parents thought i should be doing a little more physical training to prepare for a big summer of hiking. i distinctly remember telling them, "eh, i'll just be sore for a week and then get over it." "ah, to be 23," they said. well. it was only a matter of time that my mortality caught up with me. one canyon after hike after rocky hill after boulder hop after another i have finally run my knees into the ground. today i used trekking poles for the first time. those little titanium sticks are a joyous miracle. now...who wants to contribute to the kaitlyn c. bohlin trekking pole fund? please send donations to me, kaitlyn c. bohlin.

but why have i been working so hard at destroying my body? well, it's simple really. this place is too fun not to kill yourself over. and mostly...because i keep on playing hostess! after bethany and dave came, i showed those fellas from colorado around (2 posts ago) and then JOY OF ALL JOYS! colleen and stephen came for a big happy visit. this was certainly the best part of my summer. zion has been an important part of the bohlin family for years. what a fantastic time we had revisiting all the old stomping grounds and playing in some new ones. it was great to finally show someone what it is i do everyday, lowering myself into canyons and all that. i'm pretty sure that despite some dehydration here and there, they had a great time. it was great to have such an unusually relaxing visit with them; i think it's the most time i've spent with colleen (and thus stephen by association...) without the rest of the family since i went off to college. it was nice to reaffirm that we are the best sisters ever. in the world.

man. there is just too much to say. right now the guy next to me at the library has his music blaring SO loudly...he is also singing way off key. he also keeps spinning around in his chair to glare at me. hmmm. also, my eczema is in a state like i have not seen it since i was a little kid. my shoes that i bought six weeks ago look worse than the gym shoes i've worn for the last eight years (what does that say about my teen athleticism?). i've broken two pairs of sunglasses and have resorted to stealing new pairs from the lost and found. i didn't buy gas at all in june. i finally got my first food stipend. i am becoming addicted to canyoneering and may consider buying a harness (again, contributions to this fund can be sent to me...immediacy is appreciated). duplex sandwich cookies are a staple and a necessity in this life. i'm constantly sweating or freezing but seldom comfortable. i just read prodigal summer by barbara kingsolver and it's one of the best books i've ever read. they're going to put a ban on campfires in the park at the end of the month (too dry and dangerous for the rest of the summer). aaaaand supposedly i have another visitor coming on monday, so that means another restlessly exciting weekend ahead.

here is an update on the photo front!

cousin dave and soon to be cousin-in-law bethany! at emerald pools. looking mighty cute.


emerald pools, lower pools.


getting ready to rappel into mystery canyon. you know...another day on the job.


not the best picture, but look! i'm rappelling about 120ft into an nice refreshing pool!


this is me rappelling into the narrows. below is a river with lots of amazed visitors. i'm just that awesome.


but don't be deceived...i look like an idiot.

so this is meeeee looking much more badass putting my harness on so that i can be a good rappeller. the leggings are so that i can stand in freezing cold, poop-scented water to safely belay my sister and her beloved.

colleen's ass...and stephen! in keyhole! yayayayay!

this is me belaying stephen! in keyhole, one of my favorite canyons. if you come visit me, chances are i will take you through here.


the most important reason for colleen and stephen to come to zion was so that they could take jackass pictures of me in front of beautiful things....like checkerboard mesa...or as i like to call it, checka checka checka board mesa.


this is stephen in front of a pretty racy hoodoo at bryce canyon national park. what a perv.


this is the best picture that anyone has ever taken of my sister. clearly she learns her grace from me.


colleen and stephen and kaitlyn and hoodoos.


deertrap mountain! my favorite hike (not to be confused with canyon). i am trying to figure out which mesas are which. i'm still pretty sure that the one i think is west temple really is west temple, but i have been known to mistake the big dipper for pegasus so who knows.


pretty things.


oooooh!


in the subway. again. this time with way cooler people.


mike enjoys a good canyon. and look how safe he is with his helmet and gloves. good job mike!


lunch, gear, and pure bliss in the subway.


duh. a very necessary picture. SUBWAY! HOORAY!

how come i haven't heard from you? please remember your ole buddy kaitlyn. she sure misses you.

love,
me.

yes

right now i am really happy.