into the wild--i hate you.

when the movie "into the wild" came out, conveniently enough, i had just graduated from college and was looking for my own next big adventure. not surprisingly for me, this meant finding myself in a man, rather than in my self or in anything else particularly inspiring. i remember weeping through like half the movie and then weeping the entire hour-long car ride from the movie theater back to my notquiteboyfriend's [parents'] house. to say that movie had a serious impact on me would be something of an understatement. it said everything about what i (and probably every other upper/middle-class college educated safe adventurer) longed for - freedom, truth, courage, independence, blah blah blah. and then i caught a hold of my adventure...and promptly fell into a canyon.

i really REALLY hate to admit it everything about my mid-twenties has been shaped around that experience. it's been about how i survived. overcame. rebuilt. found answers. found peace. moved on. and moved up. so often in my first six months of recovering, i remember telling friends how frustrated i was because i felt like i had hit the restart button on my life, and i was being forced to slowly build toward my dreamy dreams of Living Abroad and Changing the World and Making a Difference and also Being Really Adventurous in a Way that Impresses Everyone with My Humility. And for whatever reason, despite my angsty recovery "why meee" bemoaning, my God still cleared a way for me to pursue those dreamy dreams in peru.

so you can imagine how it feels now - the day that we've offered my job to someone else, the day we're dissolving the volunteer house where i live, the day that i couldn't help lift anything, the day where i remembered for the millionth time that i'm supposedly living my dream and it disappears any day now - to rewatch that movie for the first time since my Accident and Recovery and Adventure, only to feel so jealous of this stupid movie character, so fearful for my own lack of control in my destiny, so hurt at how "unfair" it all is, and frankly, how disappointed i am in myself that i am now applying for admin assistant jobs in the chicago suburbs. i'd like to say it has nothing to do with feeling like i'm "better" than that work, but i'm pretty full of myself. i'd like to say that i'd take anything because look at the market and a job's a job and i'm in no place to be picky. but i watch this movie again, and i cry because i just want to take my time meandering through the pacific crest trail. i want to kayak through rapids without a helmet and eat hot dogs with norwegian nutjobs. but more than anything, i just want to be able to wander forever along an endless road of sunsets...

of course, a month a go, i was calculating any way i could imagine in order to escape my stressful and unstable life in peru as soon as possible. i had all sorts of mature, grown up things to say about my desire to Spread Roots, Settle Down, and Commit to Stuff. but the grass is always greener. now that i am looking at rapid commitment to the first option that comes my way, i'm having my usual panic attack. why on earth would i ever want to leave peru? ha.

anyway, i hate into the wild. it just makes me feel inadequate and trite and stupid. and now i just feel really sad that i'm hitting the reset button again. and i have no control over anything...i don't even have control enough to say, hey! i'm gonna go wander around for a while...i mean, i guess i technically have control over that decision, but i'd be a jackass if i didn't take care of my health right now.

i don't really know what i'm trying to say. in conclusion, don't watch inspiring movies about seeking truth in nature if you're trying to get your shit together.

love,

kaitlyn

reasons i can be happy about coming home early

so as many of you know, i'm coming home a early from peru. won't be getting into details here quite yet, but if you'd like more info, shoot me an e-mail. i am incredibly disappointed and saddened by this sudden transition. so! i'm going to think of things about coming home that will make me happy!

• sushi, all the time
• seeing friends and family without pixels and time delays
• going to church
• my bike (well, at least we'll be together, even if i probably shouldn't ride it)
• fambly dinners
• not living out of a suitcase
• introducing nacho to charlie
• spreading some roots
• the occasional road trip
• lots of weddings
• tap water all the time
• real milk
• cold orange juice
• more banjo lessons maybe!
• not working until 10pm
• concerts in the park
• comfortable chairs
• tasty cheese
• indoor kitchen sinks
• silky rolls of tp
• recycling
• hot, pressured showers
• speedy interwebs
• finishing my quilt
• unpacking my boxes
• having friends outside of work
• HEALTH!

that's sort of the preliminary list. please feel to add and amend as you see fit.

love,

kaitlyn

top 10 elements of a perfect weekend

so life in peru has been incredibly stressful lately. we're short-staffed and hiring...hiring slowly. i literally wake up at 3am terrified that we won't find a sustainable tourism coordinator and that all the volunteers hate me and all the peruvians think i'm the worst. it takes me about two hours to convince myself that maybe it will be ok, mostly because nacho is sleeping on my chest, warming me with reassurance.

i've been taking it out on EVERYONE, especially the people who are being nicest to me. why is that always the way i goes? anyway, i was supposed to get out of town this weekend for a long break in the jungle, but i had a panic attack in the final hour and decided to cry in bed rather than get on a rickety bus for five hours. i woke up saturday morning feeling miserable and out of control. but then something wonderful happened: after a weird breakfast of fried-egg-gone-scrambled, the man who is doing his best to care for lil' ol' insane me pushed exactly the right button, and turned my misery into a magnificent weekend. here is what makes a perfect weekend in my mind:

1) action movies.
imagine someone being the angriest, poutiest brat ever (that was me), and then you decided, "hey! let's watch a movie!" and you pop in wanted. if this were just any old action movie, it might not do the trick. but you chose the movie about an ancient fraternity of weavers who have a self-operated loom of destiny that shoots out binary-coded textiles that tell this fraternity, whose members just so happen to double as assassins, just who is next in line to kill. plot line: over the top. movie: absolutely ridiculous. my ability to remain grumpy: nil.



2) yarn.
so a few weeks ago, some friends and i went to the cusco black market. and while one of them bought two kittens and another purchased ancient, grubby (gorgeous) textiles, i stumbled across the oldest quechua woman ever who was selling homespun yarn so fresh that it was still greasy and smelled like a sheep. yesterday, i finally had time to wash the two skeins i purchased from her. what i thought was a beautiful, diversely-colored skein of wool turned out to just be the byproduct of a rather filthy sheep. after about six or seven rinses, it was mostly clean, but really i stopped because my arms hurt too much to continue. i will [hopefully] be making this pattern with said stinky yarn.

3) finishing a book.
one of my goals for my time in peru is to read at least one book per month. yesterday, i finished pigs in heaven by barbara kingsolver.
oddly enough, i am not the barbara kingsolver fanatic that a lot of my friends are, and yet i have read almost all of her books - which is more than i can say for pretty much any other author. sometimes i feel like her writing straddles the line of breathtaking depth and cheesy predictability. for me, pigs in heaven did that less than usual, but not much less. either way, i love finishing books, and really enjoyed my time with barb. what should i read next!?



4) baking!
there is nothing like making a delicious treat to pass the time and fill the tummy. i made zucchini brownies last night, which is one of the recipes i have most enjoyed repeating while here in peru. nacho likes them too. well, he likes them to sniff and meow at, but i don't let him eat them. strict diet of tamales and fried eggs for this kitty!





5) sleeping in.
i feel no need to explain this.






6 and 7) hiking and taking lots of pictures.
so after sleeping in, it was time to strap on the boots. one of my other goals for my time in peru is to hike at least three times a month, and i have majorly failed on this count. but today, carlos
and i went on our first lovers hike (swoon), up to pumamarca.
we had two little pooches join us, which always makes hiking more fun, except big pooch was mainly just interested in humping little pooch (who is too cute for words). anyway, it was a gorgeous day for a hike, some peanut butter, chocolate, and good company.



8) knitting - and FINISHING knitting.
well, yes, i love knitting. and actually, i really hate the finishing process of knitting. see this cardigan that i'm wearing (is it cheating that this photo does not represent this weekend?)? yeah, that thing was basically finished three months after i started it, but i didn't want to sew the pieces together, and then i finally did that, and it sat for another year until i tied in the loose ends and knit the collar. and it's still not done because i'm too lazy to sew on buttons. BUT i did finish knitting a hat today, with yarn that i myself (kind of) happened to dye naturally with bark and leaves. score!




9) blogging.
you wouldn't think it considering how infrequently i do it, but when i finally take the time to update my blog, it makes me really happy. i like organizing my thoughts and sharing them with friends and family. i like looking back on it and realizing how happy i was doing abc or how much i grew from my xyz experience. i used to like journaling, but i like typing more, so blog it is. you're welcome?


10) well, there's nothing else that happened this weekend to make things perfect, but it feels like i need to round this out with a number ten, right? other things that could have made it even more perfect would be writing e-mails or skyping with loved ones, sharing a delicious meal, and playing my banjo, all of which i might still be able to pull off before the weekend ends.

so that was my perfect weekend. oh, and i got an e-mail this afternoon from a woman we offered that sustainable tourism position to, and she accepted. so you see, maybe i'll have a great week!

why do they do that? part one.

i'll keep things simple today. today's theme is "why do they do that?" in which i will provide you with an example in daily life of the mysteries of sacred valley peruvians!

we recently installed a beeper over our front entrance door at the office because all the office spaces have been moved to the second floor and we don't want weirdos wandering in and stealing our soap or tea (because those are really the only possessions available to sneaky thieves poking around the first floor.) or our new rat infestation (well, i guess they can have that. exciting sidenote: one of the volunteers accidentally disrupted the rat nest the other day, and ending up literally kicking a rat out of the house! it was one of the weirdest things i have ever seen. the rat then sat shocked in the street for at least half an hour. i don't actually know where he went in the end...). this new beeper precaution is perhaps a good thing, but the only trespassers we seem to get are 1) stray dogs who want to play! and 2) children. children are always a problem, if you ask me. when nacho lived at the office, the children would come in looking for him and disrupt our work until we brought him out, at which point they would shake him until he puked (really), and i'd have to scold them until they would cry for nacho, at which point i would hand him over again (because somehow he loves the children and their personal earthquakes), and then he would cry and i would have to scold them again (but he loves them!). now that nacho does not live at the office (worrisome, motherly sidenote: he now lives in a garden paradise where he has lots of sex all day with a lady kitty twice his size. recently i have a seen a third kitty (sex tbd) playing with them, and i shudder to think what kind of trouble three kitties get into), the children have taken to testing the limits of our door beeper. because the window from my second floor office overlooks the entryway, i see their tiny children feet and their tiny children legs pressed against the walls as if they are spies sneaking in and avoiding laser beam alarms, only they are not really avoiding the alarms. they are testing the alarm. and my SANITY. because what they do is press themselves against the wall and then slowly creep inward until they are in the beeper's range, and then it goes BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP until i stand up from my chair (can you even imagine the burden?), walk out of my office, and lean down so they can see my angry face as i yell, "CHICOS, VAYANSE!!!!!!" which is to say, "dear children, please excuse yourselves from our place of work because you are sounding our beeper, and that is mildly inconvenient." but i can't even get the first syllable out before they evaporate into thin air. and then i go "hmph!" and just as i settle my poor, fragile pelvis back into my chair, the beeping begins again.


peruvian children...why do they do that?

prayer of st. francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

reminder note

the last four months have accounted for the most difficult season of my life since my accident. i have felt socially isolated, romantically destroyed, mentally and physically exhausted, spiritually starved, vocationally frustrated, and homesick homesick homesick. i keep thinking it will only get better, and then it only gets worse.

this weekend, my grandmother - the cornerstone of my family - finally passed away into the peace of the shadow. with only two weeks between her death and my impending visit to her bedside, i feel robbed of one of the most important goodbyes of my life. death is always bittersweet when the person who departs is loved but has suffered for many years. i am glad she is finally at rest, but i am scared to imagine a life where i will never hold her hand, kiss her after sunday dinner, hear her say I love you, buh bye, buh bye after a phone call, or watch her shuffle about the table as she refills the cottage cheese and olive bowls. my grandmother is one of the most inspiring examples of gentle love that i know. how our family will carry on without her is a mystery i'm not ready to watch unfold, and yet death does not allow us an option. so we shall continue to make swedish pancakes, and in this and many other rituals we will meet her for the rest of our days apart.

i am thankful for the people who help me laugh and find light each day, but it feels very thin right now. still, i want to be hopeful. i want to meet the light. so i am going to seek thankfulness in this difficult moment, just as a reminder note.

dear god, thank you for...
-friends who recognize my pain when others do not.
-my elegant grandma who captured every moment of our lives on her camera because every moment is precious.
-my grandpa who turned his bedroom into a production studio so that i could skype with my grandma while she lay in bed.
-my sister who lets my cat have skype dates with her cat.
-my mom who still sends me the dumbest e-mail chains ever.
-my dad who lets me cry on the phone even when his world is falling apart.
-cousins who have held me up through small and silly messages of love.
-a kitten who demands to sleep on my face.
-volunteers who think i'm a knitting genius.
-roommates who keep a stash of chocolate in their room just for me and my many emergencies.
-brisk, cloudy days in april that feel like brisk, cloudy days in october.
-a peruvian mother who lets me bawl into her shoulder and then gives me a cup of hot water to soothe my nerves.
-a peruvian father who never stops teasing me.
-a peruvian brother who watches all my favorite action movies dubbed in spanish with me.
-a church in chicago that rejects violence, embraces justice, and prays for me.
-a mentor in grand rapids that always gives me peace, even in the comment section of a blog.
-a friend in florida that demands my time so that she can let me pour out my heart for an hour.
-a job that reminds me to be humble and take small steps.
-a god that quietly and patiently walks beside me while i try to do everything all by myself.


i am also thankful for...
-rocoto relleno
-stray dogs
-p90x
-power walks
-utah
-skype
-facebook
-my banjo
-peanut butter
-puffy vests
-super glue
-sleeping bags
-fried eggs
-zucchini brownies
-good books
-jackson browne
-fresh juice
-quinoa
-airplanes
-garden fruits
-humming birds
-pollo



i think it's going to be okay.

never enough

Having just enjoyed a brownie sundae, some star gazing, and stroll past the ruins, I can say that I am feeling satisfied. Now, I have a kitten in my lap, swatting at the hair that's falling out of my cap -- I wonder if he'll ever learn that it's not a toy.

I'm still happy here in Ollanta, but I'd say the honeymoon is over. I've settled into a routine, I'm protective of my quiet weekends, and I'm not reaching out quite as much to new volunteers (sorry, new volunteers), even though we have our strongest group yet (sorry, old volunteers). The challenges of a new job have also mostly leveled out, and it is only in taking on even more posts (I now coordinate volunteers, programs, and tours - not to mention I'm captain of the ship for five weeks while the program director takes an envied vacation in the States) that I find myself occupied enough.

Right now, I'm reading Half the Sky by Nick Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn, which is one of a handful of books out there right now that give heart=wrenching yet inspiring accounts of current human rights issues across the globe. In particular, this book argues - very convincingly - that empowering women needs to be at the forefront of all social, political, health, educational, economic and beyond campaigns, and that the disparaging treatment of women compared to men across the globe - and the lack of attention paid to their oppression - is an inexcusable tragedy.

Half the Sky tells one unbelievable story of rape and sex trafficking and maternal mortality after another. The authors' goal is to empower readers to empower women in oppressed cultures, and they strongly advocate for Americans to get out, volunteer, see the world, and come back changed. They believe it's worth it for readers to spend a couple thousand dollars and a couple months volunteering in the slums of India rather than cut a check and be done with it. If it's within the budget and you have a flexible schedule, I tend to agree. The authors also do a great job of showing readers that even the victims with the grimmest stories can overcome the obstacles and violence that have restrained them their entire lives.

I wish I could say I feel inspired, truly moved by the stories, but I'm one of the millions who feel paralyzed by guilt and the size of the issue. I want to help. I want to move to the Congo and start schools for girls. But I know I can't. Not only does that sound very expensive and far away, but I am one of those people that empathize to the point of uselessness. I would burn out in a week. I would cry everyday. I can't imagine being one of those strong, inspiring foreigners who sees the very physical and emotional pain of a gang-raped 13-year old girl - ostracized by her community and shunned by her family - and has the strength to do something about her situation and the situation of hundreds more like her in her one community, not to mention the rest of her continent.

Who are these incredible people that have that strength? Who fundraise and build schools? Who start health clinics and distribute contraceptives? Who see these crises and commit their lives to fighting injustice at the front lines, rather than behind desks in happy, clean, well-resourced offices in American cities? For goodness sake, I've relocated to Peru, and even though I'm part of an organization that provides economic well-being and sustainability to impoverished women, my life feels more comfortable than ever. Somehow, I feel like I've taken the easy way out, and now the same guilt that I felt living in Chicago, comfortably quilting and knitting, eating out, and watching Glee (with DVR!), is creeping in as I enjoy my brownie sundae and snuggle with my precious kitty.

Yesterday, when I Skyped with my parents, my mom chimed that she expects I'll be in the Sacred Valley for at least a few years, and that I seem to have found my passion. I've thought that at times, too, but lately I'm beginning to wonder if this is enough. And so I feel a bit trapped again. I love Awamaki. I love the work we do. But I am not personally improving anyone's life, and so I somehow feel like I'm not doing enough. But on the other hand, when I think about the emotional fortitude required of being a social worker or and aid worker or even a Chicago Public Schools teacher, I am paralyzed. I don't have what it takes, but I don't feel satisfied with what I’ve got.

Mom wanted to know if I think I need to suffer in order to feel like I'm really doing "good" in the world. I don't think I think that, but maybe I do? I've always felt uneasy about the passage in the Bible where Jesus says to sell all your possessions and follow Him. When I face that scripture head on, there is a deep and true part of me which believes that's really what it will take for me to....to what? I don't even know. To be satisfied? To feel at peace? To know I'm doing the "right thing"? To live a life of obedience? To stop feeling guilty all the time? I'm not convinced that selling all my possessions and serving the poor will solve all my problems, but maybe I believe it will ease my conscience....and, well, I'd like to think I'm living a life that amounts to more than trying to alleviate my guilt. I'd like to live a life where I am part of something that I'm proud of, invested in, and committed to for its intrinsic importance, not the self-serving motivation of a guilty conscience.

Is there anyway to be satisfied in this tug of war? Knowing that I'm a very emotional, at times unstable person, yet wanting to contribute positively and in a long-term way to issues of deep, violent injustice, what can I do? Where is the book that helps the person with above-average interest in human rights, but below-average emotional fortitude? Maybe I'll be able to write it in thirty years. I'll get back to you on that one.